Revival discussed the book of Mark this week, going over various of the parables told. Multiple times I found myself being reminded of this one same thought over and over again. But before I get into that thought, let me give some background information. For anyone who knows me, you probably know my tendency to plan. I LOVE my planner...I mean that, I literally love it. I have a tendency to have it by my side at all times. I write down my classes, work, meetings, times for exercise, doctor appointments, and more. I also write down every single assignment that is due at the beginning of the semester. I coordinate the colors of my planner and get annoyed if I deviate from that color. (I know I sound seriously OCD right now...bear with me) So anyway, not only do I write everything down in my planner, but I feel as though I am constantly planning my day out. I plan when I will go to my mailbox, when I will eat lunch, when I will sneak away to the children's section of the library, etc. I love planning my weekends and knowing there is something on the agenda. My love/need for planning may be nice when it comes to getting assignments done on time, but is has its issues. For instance, my desire to plan becomes annoying when things change, or when I just can't plan the future enough.
Now let's get down to more of the details. At the end of this semester I will be a senior. I find it so hard to believe that my time here at Olivet is coming to a quick end. I'm now at the point where I have to start making some important decisions. Some adult decisions...and quite frankly I am not sure I feel very adult yet. Student teaching for me will be the fall of next year (I'm graduating a semester early) so I need to be making the decision of where to student teach. I am considering living at home (and saving $3000) but would have to travel 30 minutes each day to and from the city in which I would be student teaching. Plus I would have to make one trip a week to ONU. I also have the option of living at school still and student teaching in a school nearby. I wouldn't be saving money but I would be able to enjoy more of my senior year. I would be able to enjoy our last Ollies Follies, block party, Orpheus Variety Show, and so much more. I've been pondering this decision and praying about it. I have been asking God to show me which option is for me, where I should student teach. I've been frustrated with the whole situation. I'm not going to lie to you, I always assumed by now I would have more of this figured out. I assumed I would have some idea of where my life would be going after college. I assumed I knew who I would be marrying and where we would be living, helping me to make my student teaching decision by the time I got to this point. However, considering my student teaching application is due in just a few months, I don't think my initial freshman dream like plans are a reality anymore. I've had to come to the realization that I am going to have to make decisions for myself. I am going to have to decide where to student teach based upon where I want to, not based upon what is a good location for a future job...because quite frankly I have no idea where I will live. I am going to have to decide where I want to student teach and live thereafter because of where I want to settle down, not where anyone else wants to. I'm having to accept the reality that I am not quite where I thought I would be at this point in my life. (Please note that I never thought I would have every single moment planned out. I do realize things change and will continue to change for many many years to come. What I'm really trying to say is that I thought I would have more of the decisions as to where to go after college figured out. I'm not entire delusional. ;))
Now please don't get me wrong...this is not a post complaining that I do not have a boyfriend. I do not want to be one of those whiny girls who complains about how she "needs a man." I am content with being single. I have some of the best friends and consider myself lucky to have so much time to spend with them. I'm simply saying that the future I've always imagined is something that I now have to redefine. As I've been thinking about the future there have been times where I've been frustrated. Where I've asked God why I am not where I always thought I would be. There have been times when I've pleaded for Him to make the plans fall into place. For the plans to hurry up and be known to me, almost as if I could figure them all out on my own and allow Him to approve them. The Revival speaker put it well when he said one day that often times we plan out our lives, plan out our major, our relationships, our future, and then to turn to God and say this okay? Bless my plan Lord! He even went as far as to say we try to sprinkle some God on top, as if we are looking for His final touch on the plan we have so "wisely" created for ourselves. When he gave this example I began to realize how wrong I have been in all of my attempts to make these decisions. Who am I to go to God and say which place should I student teach? As though I should limit Him to two decisions, when just maybe He has an entirely different plan. Who am I to rush a plan that God has had in the makings for years? And who am I to whine about how I just wish I would have things figured out, as if that was important. I was humbled at how selfish I had been, how undeserving. Jesus died on the cross for my sins...something I never deserved. And yet, I am going to sit here and whine about how I don't know where to live after graduation?
All this rambling to get to the main point. Revival taught me how wrong I have been. Revival showed me once again how amazing my God is and will always be. Revival taught me that it's time for me to give up my plans. I fully surrender my plans to God. I have no idea where I will student teach, where I will live after graduation, if I will find a job, or anything else. The one thing I know is that God is willing to plan my life for me. He doesn't deserve to be "sprinkled on top." He deserves to be the center of every decision I make. I am thankful that I gave up Facebook during Revival. I tried hard to use that time and really pray about the decisions ahead. I am so grateful to say that I am going to surrender all of this to Him. He has a much better plan than I would have ever created.
Thanks for reading. I know this looks like a short novel probably. And once again, please don't read this and think that I am whining. This post was not meant to be one full of complaints, but was meant to be an encouragement to someone else who may be in the same situation. This post is meant to be one where I open up my heart and express how wrong I have been, and how blessed I am to be at a school that so readily puts me back on track. I do not have all of the answers, and that's okay. I am content in knowing that God has my future, my past, and my present. All of which I fully surrender to HIM.
God bless,
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